I recently came across a quote saying that “It takes a strong woman to be a father too”.Call me weak, but I cannot be a father too and I am ok with this because I am at peace.
Let me talk about my experience. I lost my husband in the Westgate terrorist attack in 2013. Since then, I have been doing my absolute best to raise my two lovely daughters. I am making sure I raise them with good principles, offer a solid education, good health care and a balanced social life. Basically, I want my daughters to feel it is ok to have only one parent and that they are not inferior in this regard.
From where I sat then, I felt I needed to show the world that I was complete, strong; a mother and father at the same time. I strongly resisted the idea of being labeled the “poor widow”, desperate to remarry. In my community, more often than not, widows do not have any other option other than re-marrying to cater for their needs, especially financial.
No way! That is not for me. I thought. I am strong and able put into action both my female and male energy. Yes, years of coaching taught me how to balance the two..
But it was not too long on that driven mode, that I burnt out.Totally burnt out! But I will come back to this!
Yes, I was successful in what I was doing, but sadly, I had lost my identity. I became the “provider”, making sure my kids had everything. Insurance? I will get the best. Whatever their need was, I would get it for them!
But the reality of a demanding job that entailed hours of traveling, eventually got me tired with the realization that I was steadily losing my identity as the loving, caring and funny mother.It was a normal occurrence for me to cry for hours at airport lounges at the thought of my daughters back home. It tore my heart that I was not motherly anymore… that it was more in my mind than in my heart. I was completely imbalanced. I missed my motherly nature and that is when I decided to be the best mom I could be…a complete single mother covering only one role, the motherly one.
Luckily my two angels have had so many father figures in their lives, starting from their loving and caring uncles. I love to see them play, learn and being enjoy their uncles’ company. I gladly relieved the effort of being the super woman (phew!) because you cannot be a father too. Men are fathers, women are mothers. My daughters’ father died, and no one can ever replace him.This as tough as it is needs acceptance as God’s will, and only He knows what is best for us. I have accepted this and I am at peace.
Now, let me tell you about being burnt out.Basically, I got physically sick because of too much on my plate, trying to cover for my deficiencies as well as being a father too.
It took a lot of reflection and prayer and i came to the conclusion to just be a present mother and that was enough. Indeed, we women are strong, but we often do not tap into our potential due to society’s restrictions and pressures. Thank God, I was raised in a family that has gender equality in their DNA! My late father (RIP) and my mother Prof. Halima Abdi Arush always encouraged me to aim higher as I had and still have great potential.They nourished my potential, provided a good education, and raised with me with genuine values. My education, values, human rights education and understanding of society dynamics have positively shaped my life.
As a work in progress, I continue to explore more of my potential and become a strong, caring, loving, and understanding mother to my girls. When I say NO, I’m not trying to be the “father” but just to give them tough motherly love. The same way my beloved mother did with my siblings and I, I will dedicate a whole blog on this matter.
“It takes a strong woman to be a father too”, not for me. Call me weak but I will not try to cover the father’s role anymore.
I am a single mother and that is enough!